"Do These {Cranky} Pants 
Make My Butt Look Big?"

     I came home wearing my cranky pants last night. It was a long, frustrating day and just took me a minute (plus vodka and a giant cookie all the way from the Milk Bar in NYC!!) to shake it off, but I did and I woke up feeling great this morning, ready to tackle my day. But then I did a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing to one of THE SWEETEST PEOPLE ON EARTH (that's you Tanya M., if you're reading this!!!!!!)... I kinda gave her some attitude JUST for asking how I was doing. She didn't deserve that, and I apologized... but still feel rotten about it. 

     I need to find a polite way to handle this situation going forward. The thing is y'all, I'm just already SO OVER talking about "it." I just wanna talk about all the stuff we used to talk about BEFORE and I want people to look at me and treat me like they did BEFORE... not let this be the first & foremost thing they think of when I walk in the room. I super duper appreciate everyone's well wishes and checking in on me... don't get me wrong, but I guess I just want to simply be able to say "I have no updates" and have that be the end of it if I'm just not in the mood to talk about it at the moment. Right now it's just a LOT of waiting and testing and then more waiting for results. I was literally just on two different phones with two different hospitals at once, nurses telling me about a whole new round of tests they wanted to run (full body scans etc) and that oh by the way, they didn't collect quite enough blood yesterday for testing (How is 3 fat vials not enough??!!) so I needed to "pop back in" to give more. NOPE. That's the office I hated... the one that made me cranky... and now this new revelation has REALLY sealed that deal. Never going back! 

     So, please be patient with me and please NEVER EVER EVER take it personally if I act a little cold or grouchy when all you want to do is ask me how I'm doing because you love me. :) LAST thing I want to do is scare anyone away or hurt any feelings!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! 

"You Can't Polish a Turd" 

I was a newspaper reporter for many years, "back in the day," and had this awesome publisher named Dan, who was wonderful and jolly and funny and lazy and brutally honest. He had a favorite saying he'd often remind us of during our morning staff meetings, urging us to try harder to make a good product and write better stories each & every week. He'd say, "Remember guys, you can't polish a turd." 

I was thinking of Dan today, in light of my current situation and thought, you are so right, you really can't polish a turd. No matter how I try to gloss it over, cancer sucks. It's a HUGE TURD. 

Reality is slowly starting to set in as I continue to drink from this fire hydrant, drowning in an ocean of new information and scenarios and possibilities and "what ifs." I didn't realize the amount of QUESTIONS (ARGH!) and PAPERWORK (GAH!) and TESTING (OUCH!) and APPOINTMENTS (BLAH!) and BLOOD DRAWS (DOH!) and excruciating hours of sitting in freezing cold waiting rooms with yet another damned episode of Tiny House Hunters blaring on the TV there would be!! (I swear y'all, if this cancer doesn't kill me, five more episodes of Tiny House Hunters or Flip or Flop just might do me in!!!!!)

And I've already become a human pin cushion. So many blood draws and IVs! Fun! Cause those of you who know me well know I JUST LOVE NEEDLES!!!!! 

So now I look forward to an upcoming CT scan (another IV for dye) to see if it's traveled elsewhere and a bone density scan (another IV for more dye) cause apparently bone is first place to which breast cancer will usually spread, and hormone testing (got stuck for that today) to find out if I'm in menopause or not because that will determine which fun hormone-squashing drug I'll get to take for the next 10 years. 

Oh and a search for Oncologist #2 will start in the morning because #1 is MOST DEFINITELY getting a big fat Trump style "You're Fired!" because I loathed EVERYTHING about the hospital/office/staff/doctor/experience this afternoon. Bleh. 

Sorry today's update isn't as funny... it was just a rough day... but I'm better already because I'm home and you've never seen little bartender John whip up a vodka drink for me faster in his life and now he's being a good husband, making dinner. :) 

"IF"

That seems to be the Word of the Day. "IF." 

It's funny how, if you think about it, it's really the BIGGEST of the smallest words. (Take a minute with that... pretty profound eh?)

So the appointment today was good. LOVE LOVE LOVE the doctor (yay!) and heard pretty much everything I was hoping to hear (yay!) with only a few minor "surprises" (boo!). The surgeon agrees with the radiologist when she says the cancer was caught early (Stage One), is very small, is slow-growing and is NOT the really icky kind (remember y'all, I have the good cancer). I go in tomorrow for an MRI that will help them see the rest of the breast (both) to make sure there isn't anything else lurking in there that they couldn't see from the mammogram or ultrasounds. 

So... here's what I know so far... 

IF there is no more cancer found in one (or the other) boob or in any nearby lymph nodes and IF the BRCA genetic testing comes back negative (they sent in the test today and should know within 2 weeks)... then she said they can just do a lumpectomy followed by radiation. (NO CHEMO!) The amazing thing too is that IF I only have to do the lumpectomy and partial radiation, they can knock out that radiation in FIVE DAYS!!! They would just put a catheter (ew) in the tiddy and I'd have to go TWICE a day, but for only five days. Then zip zap zoom... done! So IF that's the case (and it's obviously the one we're hoping for... best case scenario...) then we could be in and out and done with everything within a two-week span of time!!!! WOW!!! AWESOME! Ponytail stays put. No biggie at all and it almost seems like it never even happened!

Now, IF they happen to find cancer elsewhere then things will become a little more tricky... like perhaps a full mastectomy (or even double...), but we'll wait and see on that. For now I'm going to hold out hope that it's gonna be super quick to knock it out of the park!! :) 

Oh but the "surprise" was they will also treat me (to prevent a recurrence) with hormone squashing therapy... a pill I'll have to take for 10 years with side effects similar to menopausal symptoms. Joy. But hey, as long as I don't gain back 20 pounds or get a thick ass mustache I'll be okay with that! 

So to review... MRI tomorrow (John's coming with me... he's gotta drive the getaway car since mama's gonna be popping a Xanax) and then waiting for genetic test results and then we'll make surgical/treatment decisions from there. 

Let's hope for the best and that I don't "light up like a Christmas tree" (for all you Fault in Our Stars fans) tomorrow. Ha. 

"PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE"

Raise your hand if you ever got sent to the principal's office in school. I did. Just once. And it was for a minor incident. I'd skipped school (NO, NOT STACY! NEVER!) and then wrote my own excuse note (WHAAAAT? NO! SHOCKER!) and forged my mother's signature (OMG! HORROR!), which wasn't easy, considering she has BEAUTIFUL classic Catholic School Girl handwriting, taught to her by the mean nuns that would whack your hand with a stick if you didn't cross your Ts just right. Anyway, they called me and my mom in because they wanted her to verify that it WAS indeed her signature. I was sweating like crazy, my knees were shaking and I thought I might barf. But then my mom did something miraculous. She picked up the letter, looked at it for a few seconds then gently laid it back on the desk and said, "Yes, that's my signature." And she got up and left. 

I asked her later WHY she let me off the hook and she told me that I'd done such a good job forging her signature that she was impressed and thought it should pass.............. but added, "IF YOU EVER TRY TO FORGE MY SIGNATURE AGAIN YOU ARE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE!" 

So I have that feeling again... like I've been summoned to the Principal's office and I'm about to walk in, not knowing HOW BAD IT'S GONNA BE or if I'm going to be let off easy like I was last time. However this time it's not the Principal's Office, but the Breast Surgeon's Office. Stakes are a little bit higher (although I realize this one is still gonna seem like a cake walk compared to how I'm going to feel walking in to the oncologist's office later... but one step at a time). 

Will post about it when I get home tomorrow and have more information. Hope you're all okay coming here to read my daily dose of drivel because please understand I can't possibly update everyone individually! Except you Mom... I promise to always call you right away cause I feel like I still owe ya one for covering my ass that day. ;) Thanks.

"EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO"

     How does one even go about choosing a breast surgeon and oncologist? Really? Everyone you ask has a different opinion and reading reviews about them online is a little like reading Trip Advisor reviews... it can be a huge time suck and also seems like the only people who take the time to review are the cranky ones who had a bad experience and wanna bitch about it. It's like being in the cereal or tampon aisle at the grocery store... too many choices and it starts to get overwhelming. So let's start with this one... who seems to be the #1 choice of my radiologist...

     Y'all... is this gorgeous child REALLY a highly-qualified life-saving breast surgeon or a contestant on Master Chef Junior??? I don't mean that to sound disrespectful in the slightest... I'm sure she's smart as a whip and I'm sure scored WAY higher than I did on her SATs... but I look at her fresh face and wonder, do I want a crusty old codger who's been doing this gig for 32 years or do I pick a young whipper snapper who is still paying off student loans but is probably more up to date on the latest & greatest treatments and technology? It's a real toss up! But... I like her face. And her smile. She looks sweet. Maybe it'll be nice for me to help her start paying off her student loans. So I'm starting right here with her, Wednesday at 11. I'm going to be craning my neck to look behind her to make sure she's got a fancy diploma framed on the wall... that is if it's back from Michael's yet... cause my Mom pointed out that they can't frame it until the ink dries. LOL. And if I don't like her, I'll pull a Trump and say, "YOU'RE FIRED!" 

YAY... I have "good" cancer! 

     So on the Good/Bad scale, I guess I have good cancer! YEAHAW! I'll take that as a small victory!!!! My friend Polly wants to throw me a "Good Cancer Party." I think I'll take her up on that and maybe finally open this bottle of Cake Bread I've been hoarding! Initial diagnosis is Invasive Mammary Carcinoma, whatever the hell that means. HA. To me it's still all total mumbo jumbo and I've got a lot to learn... but so far, I'm VERY proud of myself because I STILL haven't Googled anything!! NADA! Zilch! John doesn't believe me but I told him he can check my Safari Browser History. ;) 

     I just need to hear everything from a real person. A flesh and blood-filled doctor, not a Wikipedia page. Hopefully a doctor with a soothing voice and great bedside manner. Like McDreamy. Or McSteamy (actually no cause I always hated his ridiculous mustache, so he's fired). OHHHHH or gosh my new fave, Dr. Riggs (Those DIMPLES OMG! That accent OMG!). Oh OR Dave Matthews could come sing the details to me! That would be soothing. Oh wait no, I know... ALICIA KEYS! YES! Bingo! I am so in love with her right now!! Super duper crushing on her and her whole vibe and demeanor and voice and seriously have you EVER seen anyone MORE GORGEOUS or natural?! I love her. She is perfection. But seriously... it's all good. I'll just have John hold my hand while mostly likely a lady doctor (I'm super duper good with that... we all know women are the smarter species!) informs me cause John reminds me a lot of McDreamy. Maybe even better cause he's actually real. I'm lucky. I live with that every day ladies!!! 

     Feels nice to have that phone call out of the way because it was one I was dreading... but now I can breathe easier! I went to boot camp this morning and had an amazing workout then all my friends circled around and put their sweaty hands on me while my wonderful friend Tanya said a long heart-felt prayer and there was hardly a dry eye in the house afterwards. HA HA. I feel very loved and grateful! Nothing like a little run in with cancer to remind you how many kick ass friends you have!!!! I'm one of the lucky ones! GOOD CANCER! YAY! 

"I WORRY"

     Those of you who know me know I'm a worrier by nature. Always have been. Here's proof in the form of a short creative writing piece I did when I was 9 years old. 

     I am pleased to say my father never had to go to war, my house hasn't caught on fire, I didn't flunk school (although that's a bit of a shocker considering my apparent spelling skillz), the sun hasn't  snuffed out and I haven't lost a limb or been bit in the face by a snake... so I think I'm doin pretty good!
     So while I wait for a phone call today to get more pathology results, you might be wondering, am I worried now? About this whole cancer thing? Sure. But probably NOT about this things you'd THINK I might be worried about... like dying (nope, no part of me feels like I've been handed a death sentence. In fact, the radiologist said that the way things are these days, breast cancer is more of "just a 3 - 6 month inconvenience than anything." Okay cool. I'm down with that.) Nah, I'm worried about this "inconvenience" getting in the way of my gym time and losing the first six pack I've ever had in my life. I'm worried about them telling me to lay off the sauce (ha!). I'm worried about this interfering with our plans to go to Amsterdam in June. I'm worried about who will sweep the dog hair out of the house twice a day if I feel too shitty to do it. But in all seriousness... yeah, I'll admit, at this point, I'm just mostly worried about wondering what all they're about to do to my body and what I'm going to have to endure. I know every story is different. Who knows if there will be surgery or radiation or chemo or reconstruction. I don't know. And I HATE not knowing. I've already received messages (all well-meaning, I know!!) from people saying they'd come hold my hair back while I puked or saying how cute I'd look with a really short hair do or asking how big of boobs I'll get if I get new ones... WOW... nope... haven't gone there yet people! HA HA. Right now, while I wait, I'm just going to continue to run and go to boot camp and enjoy every day I feel great (I went for a run yesterday and felt amazing and the whole time kept thinking, "I don't FEEL sick and I sure as hell don't LOOK like a sick person") and am going to hope that MY story gets to be one of the "easy" ones, like my friend whose sister found her breast cancer so early that it was Stage 0 and required no surgery or chemo or new boobs.
     The good news is, despite me being a worrier, I'm also definitely a Glass Half Full kind of girl and those of you who know my life story know that I don't stay down long. I'm like one of those inflatable toy punching bags you had as a kid that sometimes had a creepy clown painted on it and you'd punch it but it would pop right back up, still smiling. That's me. We got this.

"TIDDIES"

 I'm back!!!! HA HA HA. This is weird! I haven't blogged on here since, what, 2009!! Look how little Jasper was!! CRAZY! Anyway, I decided to go ahead and bring back the blog as a way to keep everyone who may give a rat's ass up to date as I start this new journey. Mostly though, I decided to do it here versus Facebook because every time I try to type "titties" in Facebook it autocorrects it to "kitties" and well, who has time for that!? Plus this way I won't be bombarding you with messages while you're trying to shop at Target, enjoy a pedicure, do some actual work or be tempted to check your phone in the school zone or whatever. You can decide when to read them... or not. :) 

Speaking of "titties"... this is a text conversation I had with Kathryn Wednesday when I was in the waiting room, about to go in for my biopsy. I keep going back to it because it still makes me laugh and makes me so damned happy to have this crazy, precious, hilarious girl for a daughter. Sorry guys... she's all mine and yeah, when it comes to Kathryn, you know I get super greedy... cause I just can't get enough of her! I'm so glad she got the perfect mix of her Dad's good sense of humor, my inappropriate sense of humor (so yeah, about that, if you're easily offended, please kindly exit to your left...) and of course, my astonishing good looks. 

(Kathryn's in gray, I'm blue...)