"Clean as a Whistle"

Great news boys and girls... mama's lymph nodes were CLEAN!!! WOO HOO! What a relief!

So now we move on to radiation. If you've been keeping up... we were originally planning on doing the 5-day version (with the Squiddy Tiddy) BUT turns out you need to have a clean 2 mm margin in order to do that version and the doc only got a 1 mm margin... so to do the one-week version she'd need to go back in to scoop out more first. I said, "NOPE... NO MORE SURGERY thankyouverymuch"!!!!! I will HAPPILY forgo more surgery (and the Squiddy Tiddy contraption!) and just do the good ol' fashioned 6-week full breast radiation. I'm good with that! In fact, if I'm totally honest, I'm relieved to not have to deal with the Squiddy Tiddy at all. I was dreading that big time! 

We meet with a new radiologist next week (since we're going with Plan B) and looks like we can wait to start treatment AFTER our trip to Amsterdam. Again... I'm good with that! 

As far as this Lobotomy Brain, they said it's totally normal and when John asked how much longer it might last they said, "Oh, another week or two." DOH! I still feel like I just stepped off the Tilt-a-Whirl ride at the carnival as the dizziness and confusion seem here to stay, but at least the ringing in my ears is finally subsiding. Baby steps! 

But all in all, today is a GOOD DAY and we are HAPPY!!!!! 

Thanks for checkin' in!!

"Lumpectomy or Lobotomy?"

I could have SWORN I went to the hospital for a lumpectomy... but I think they made a mistake a performed a lobotomy instead. 

Remember this commercial in the late 80s? Well, it pretty much sums up my past week.   

Anesthesia is a POWERFUL drug and it certainly fried my brain to a crisp!!!! I am desperately looking forward to feeling "normal" again! 

In the meantime, the Universe continues to spin around me while I feel like I watch from a distance, through the fog and constant ringing in my ears. 

* Kathryn made it safely to camp and is in full-on intense lifeguard training. 

* Jasper is SIXTEEN TODAY!!! He and John are headed to the big driving test as we speak! 

* Tomorrow is my post-op appointment and I'm VERY ANXIOUS to hear the results & "next steps." 

* Friday Jasper leaves for Austin for another state band competition (ensemble and clarinet solo) and then next week is the LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL! 

"David After the Dentist"

You guys have probably all seen the You Tube video clip of young David riding home in the backseat of his patents' car after getting his wisdom teeth removed? Right? Poor kid was gorked out of his mind! Let's just say my post-anesthesia version might have been pretty amusing as well (THANK GOD no one had an iphone!) There's no evidence. Ha Ha. But I DO apologize for all the "drunk" texting I did last night!!!!! Oh dear. 

It was VERY strange stepping into the Twilight Zone yesterday. They pumped me full with so much *good* medicine that I don't remember ANYTHING about the surgery or being taken back to my recovery room or riding home or even BEING home for the first 5 hours! LOL! I was WHACKED. John and the kids gave me a play by play and I think Kathryn got a real kick out it! 

I am still a bit woozy this morning despite the little patch they put behind my ear. Let's just say I still could NOT pass a sobriety test! That's okay thought because I plan to milk this recovery day for all it's worth!! :) 

Oh, you're probably here wondering HOW DID THE SURGERY GO? According to John's chat with the surgeon afterwards (I wasn't there... or maybe my body was but my brain sure wasn't!)... she was THRILLED with the surgery and thinks she got most of what she wanted OUT of there! YIPPEEEE! So yup, surgery went fine and I'll be anxious to go to my post-op checkup on Thursday to hear all the pathology reports. (Now we just hope and pray it didn't find its way into the lymph nodes!)

My boob/armpit is fine. Throbbing a little an uncomfortable, but NO PAIN, so I'm thrilled!! 

SOOOOO happy to have that day behind me!!!!!! John was a perfect gentleman too.  

Thanks for all the sweet texts and words of encouragement and prayers you guys sent me throughout the day. :) I felt like EVERYONE was by my side!!!!! LOVE YOU ALL!

Oh and other good news... my genetic cancer test came back NEGATIVE!!!! Which means Kathryn isn't going to be losing any extra sleep over it anymore. HUGE RELIEF for both of us. 

"Get 'er Done"

Well kids, the Big Day is finally almost here and I'm ready to get this over with! 

I just got home from teaching my last boot camp for a few weeks. *sniff sniff*  It's probably a good thing I'll be on some pain meds tomorrow because I have a feeling we're all gonna be SUPER SORE after that. We went hard core today (I could tell it was hard because I could see it written all over Kristen's face... and she's tough as nails! HA HA! I'm pretty sure she was cussing me out at one point)!!! When I'm feeling sore and sucky during my upcoming recovery I'm just going to think back on this morning and how GOOD and STRONG and ENERGETIC I felt and KNOW I'll be back there again very soon. I look forward to it. 

People keep asking how I'm doing (I assume they mean mentally) and I'm truly fine. No joke. I've been too busy this week to think about yucky stuff. I've been way more focused on all the good things like celebrating my niece's graduation (she's a Bad Ass y'all... graduated Summa Cum Laude and in just three years!), bringing my daughter home from college and now getting her all packed & ready for her job as a summer camp counselor. My heart is full and happy!! 

I check in to the hospital tomorrow morning at 9:30. The actual surgery begins at 2:00 and should take about two hours. After an hour in recovery we can head home. I will try to remember to get Kathryn or John to post an update tomorrow night. :) 

"Squiddy Tiddy" 

My Dad always called things "do-hickey," "do-dad," "whatchamacallit" or "thing-a-ma-jig" when he couldn't remember the names of stuff. I loved that silly side of him. I also loved the more serious/curious side of him that wanted to tinker with something (with furrowed brow) to find out how it worked (or how he could go home and replicate it for half the price). I think the Engineer in him would've been fascinated by this here whatchamacallit (that, for lack of any better term, John and I have decided to refer to as my "Squiddy Tiddy."). John's a lot like my Dad in that he just always wants to know how things work (along with "why"... it's a little bit like living with an obnoxiously-inquisitive toddler). I think my Pilot Husband missed his calling as Physicist because he was positively drooling over this do-dad today and asked the radiologist roughly 56 questions about the device and process (while I sat idly by wondering if we should get Schlotzky's or Chipotle for lunch). It really was pretty fascinating. I think it will be a tad less fascinating once it's sticking out of the side of my body, but for the time being, yeah, pretty cool cutting-edge technology. This method of radiology (only for some lucky qualified patients) replaces the traditional 6-week treatment plan. For this option, the surgeon inserts this do-dad into my boob two weeks after surgery and I get to "wear" it for a week. (FUN! Looking forward to John shampooing my hair "Out of Africa" style.) I'll go to radiation twice a day for 5 days and during those treatments they'll drop the radioactive "hot" seed in the little tubes sticking out and zap the area hollowed out from the lumpectomy, ONLY radiating the affected area, not the entire breast. Each treatment takes about 20 minutes. Cool huh? 

We loved the radiologist today! He, himself, is a cancer survivor and so goes super duper above and beyond to make sure you understand EVERYTHING and are comfortable with all the information and treatment plan. Great guy! He spent 20+ minutes reviewing my case with us while writing it all out on the white board, like an enthusiastic football coach, explaining it play by play. 

So... now I've got my GAME PLAN and I'm pumped and ready to get out there, play some awesome offense and tackle this bitch head on! Look out cancer... cause you're goin' DOWN! 

Tomorrow is pre-op (x-ray, EKG, blood work etc) and surgery is next Wednesday. LET'S DO THIS! 

"Hmm, Let Me Check My Calendar"

I tell ya kids, nothing fills up your calendar quite as quickly as cancer! HA HA. Talk about a TON of appointments!!!!! Good grief! It'll keep ya busy, that's for sure! This next month is going to be Balls to the Wall for the Murphys. Next week I've got my pre-op workups & appointments as well as Jasper's formal band banquet (still don't know what I'm going to wear since nothing fits anymore!). After the banquet we jump in the car to drive to San Marcos to attend my niece's college graduation Saturday. Sunday we celebrate Mother's Day with my Mom then MOVE KATHRYN OUT OF THE DORM! Monday and Tuesday, we'll get Kathryn packed and ready to go be a camp counselor. Wednesday the 17th is my surgery date and then I better heal quickly because we gotta get baby girl to camp in the hill country on the 21st. Jasper's 16th birthday and DRIVING TEST are on the 23rd and then he goes to state again on the 26th. I will be starting radiation somewhere around June 1st... and that better go well because mama's got a trip to Salt Lake City planned for June 9th and then we gotta get Jasper to camp on June 18th and John and I leave the next day for our BIG trip to Amsterdam, Brussels and Bruges... 

Funny how we're just SQUEEZING in this cancer mess amongst the MORE IMPORTANT things! :)

Hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!!!  

"HAPPY DANCE"

I am totally doing the happy dance today and feel on top of the world. Met with my new oncologist this morning (y'all, not gonna lie, he's pretty dang cute and charismatic and we already got to second base on our first date!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!) and I SUPER DUPER LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM... HALLELUJAH!!!!! He said my CT and MRI scans looked good and no other big areas of concern... so the thought at the moment is still lumpectomy & radiation... not thinking chemo will be necessary (unless they get in there and find the lymph nodes in icky shape, but so far they think they look clean)! WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!! Another hurdle cleared!!!!

Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon to start talking dates... 

But right now... just gonna enjoy feeling SO MUCH RELIEF!!!!!!! (I never in a million years thought it would be possible to feel THIS DAMN HAPPY as a new cancer patient! LOL!)

"Piece of Cake and a Vanilla Yogurt Parfait"

Had my CT scan this morning. It was a piece of cake! 

I was told (incorrectly) that it would be a 4-hour ordeal where you'd get the IV, drink some weird solution, come back 3 hours then have the scan and be in the tube for 35 minutes or more. WELL... NO. None of that was true! We walked in at 9:15 and walked out at about 9:37. Truly couldn't have been easier. Only rough part was getting the IV by a student who CLEARLY needs a LOT more practice (and I pity his next few victims because it was ROUGH!). The scan wasn't even in a full tube, just a donut around the midsection and was over and done in 5 minutes (and no loud noise like an MRI). Then we were out the door and went straight to Cracker Barrel across the street for breakfast and coffee (and I was super excited since I was fasting!). Did y'all know that Cracker Barrel now puts the calorie count of EVERYTHING right there in the descriptions on the menu?? WHAAAAAT? Man, that takes ALL the fun out of it (you don't EVEN want to know how many calories you've been consuming at this place!!!)! I ended up with a (delicious) yogurt parfait, egg whites and turkey sausage but still reached over to "help" John with his chicken fried steak, biscuits and gravy! HA HA HA. YUM! 

Have an appointment tomorrow (man, SO MANY APPOINTMENTS!) with my NEW oncologist (#2) and he should have results from the MRI and CT and then we meet with the surgeon again Thursday SOOOOO hopefully by the end of the week we'll have a better idea of The Plan. 

That feels good. 

"Step Away from the Bubble"

Those of you who know me well know I'm a little bit like Glinda the Good Witch. I like to float around in my Happy Little Bubble, not a care in the world, smiling down at my own two Munchkins in this Happy Place where I live. I have a good life. I'm genuinely happy. I like crafts. And fluffy things. I cry at sappy movies and kitten videos. I do ridiculous dances around the kitchen while I cook and love to send care packages (covered with embarrassing stickers, of course) to people. I use too many emoticons and love to throw parties or decorate for holidays. I like my life in this bubble.

John and I often talk about the Bad Stuff That Happens to Other People. There are so many sad stories and struggles out there... and it seems like the older we get, the closer to home those stories get. It makes me feel vulnerable and quite often I'll say to John, "You know, my life seems so close to perfect that I sometimes wonder when my bubble will burst." I'm paranoid like that. 

Well, it hasn't totally burst, but tonight I'm feeling like my Happy Bubble has a pesky hole poked in it and the air is slowly leaking out while I'm desperately trying to patch it and while keeping myself afloat. This has been a rough week with too much hitting way too close to home... first the big "C" diagnosis (Um, yeah, that was pretty much a direct hit! LOL!) and then tornadoes that devastated a community nearby. Then today receiving a text message from my own daughter, who was locked in a classroom at UT, huddled in a corner with other terrified students, living out a nightmare we usually only watch unfold on TV, while a suspect went berserk and stabbed four people, killing one on the scene... one floor below where Kathryn was sitting. 

OH MY GOD. TOO MUCH UNIVERSE. I'd really like it if you could kindly STEP AWAY FROM MY BUBBLE now, thankyouverymuch. 

For tonight, I'm going to go climb in a bath full of bubbles... and I'm going to close my eyes and pray for the families who lost their loved ones or homes in the tornadoes and for the families who lost their son/brother/friend in the stabbing and for all the shell-shocked students at UT and for my precious daughter and I'm going to thank God for keeping her safe... and tomorrow will be a new day.

In other news... CT scan of chest, abdomen and pelvis happens for me tomorrow morning at 9... so be sending good vibes!!! I won't know any results for a few days, but will keep you posted. 

Now, if you can, go hug your kids or your husband or your dog or pet goldfish. Love you all. 

"Do These {Cranky} Pants 
Make My Butt Look Big?"

     I came home wearing my cranky pants last night. It was a long, frustrating day and just took me a minute (plus vodka and a giant cookie all the way from the Milk Bar in NYC!!) to shake it off, but I did and I woke up feeling great this morning, ready to tackle my day. But then I did a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing to one of THE SWEETEST PEOPLE ON EARTH (that's you Tanya M., if you're reading this!!!!!!)... I kinda gave her some attitude JUST for asking how I was doing. She didn't deserve that, and I apologized... but still feel rotten about it. 

     I need to find a polite way to handle this situation going forward. The thing is y'all, I'm just already SO OVER talking about "it." I just wanna talk about all the stuff we used to talk about BEFORE and I want people to look at me and treat me like they did BEFORE... not let this be the first & foremost thing they think of when I walk in the room. I super duper appreciate everyone's well wishes and checking in on me... don't get me wrong, but I guess I just want to simply be able to say "I have no updates" and have that be the end of it if I'm just not in the mood to talk about it at the moment. Right now it's just a LOT of waiting and testing and then more waiting for results. I was literally just on two different phones with two different hospitals at once, nurses telling me about a whole new round of tests they wanted to run (full body scans etc) and that oh by the way, they didn't collect quite enough blood yesterday for testing (How is 3 fat vials not enough??!!) so I needed to "pop back in" to give more. NOPE. That's the office I hated... the one that made me cranky... and now this new revelation has REALLY sealed that deal. Never going back! 

     So, please be patient with me and please NEVER EVER EVER take it personally if I act a little cold or grouchy when all you want to do is ask me how I'm doing because you love me. :) LAST thing I want to do is scare anyone away or hurt any feelings!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! 

"You Can't Polish a Turd" 

I was a newspaper reporter for many years, "back in the day," and had this awesome publisher named Dan, who was wonderful and jolly and funny and lazy and brutally honest. He had a favorite saying he'd often remind us of during our morning staff meetings, urging us to try harder to make a good product and write better stories each & every week. He'd say, "Remember guys, you can't polish a turd." 

I was thinking of Dan today, in light of my current situation and thought, you are so right, you really can't polish a turd. No matter how I try to gloss it over, cancer sucks. It's a HUGE TURD. 

Reality is slowly starting to set in as I continue to drink from this fire hydrant, drowning in an ocean of new information and scenarios and possibilities and "what ifs." I didn't realize the amount of QUESTIONS (ARGH!) and PAPERWORK (GAH!) and TESTING (OUCH!) and APPOINTMENTS (BLAH!) and BLOOD DRAWS (DOH!) and excruciating hours of sitting in freezing cold waiting rooms with yet another damned episode of Tiny House Hunters blaring on the TV there would be!! (I swear y'all, if this cancer doesn't kill me, five more episodes of Tiny House Hunters or Flip or Flop just might do me in!!!!!)

And I've already become a human pin cushion. So many blood draws and IVs! Fun! Cause those of you who know me well know I JUST LOVE NEEDLES!!!!! 

So now I look forward to an upcoming CT scan (another IV for dye) to see if it's traveled elsewhere and a bone density scan (another IV for more dye) cause apparently bone is first place to which breast cancer will usually spread, and hormone testing (got stuck for that today) to find out if I'm in menopause or not because that will determine which fun hormone-squashing drug I'll get to take for the next 10 years. 

Oh and a search for Oncologist #2 will start in the morning because #1 is MOST DEFINITELY getting a big fat Trump style "You're Fired!" because I loathed EVERYTHING about the hospital/office/staff/doctor/experience this afternoon. Bleh. 

Sorry today's update isn't as funny... it was just a rough day... but I'm better already because I'm home and you've never seen little bartender John whip up a vodka drink for me faster in his life and now he's being a good husband, making dinner. :) 

"IF"

That seems to be the Word of the Day. "IF." 

It's funny how, if you think about it, it's really the BIGGEST of the smallest words. (Take a minute with that... pretty profound eh?)

So the appointment today was good. LOVE LOVE LOVE the doctor (yay!) and heard pretty much everything I was hoping to hear (yay!) with only a few minor "surprises" (boo!). The surgeon agrees with the radiologist when she says the cancer was caught early (Stage One), is very small, is slow-growing and is NOT the really icky kind (remember y'all, I have the good cancer). I go in tomorrow for an MRI that will help them see the rest of the breast (both) to make sure there isn't anything else lurking in there that they couldn't see from the mammogram or ultrasounds. 

So... here's what I know so far... 

IF there is no more cancer found in one (or the other) boob or in any nearby lymph nodes and IF the BRCA genetic testing comes back negative (they sent in the test today and should know within 2 weeks)... then she said they can just do a lumpectomy followed by radiation. (NO CHEMO!) The amazing thing too is that IF I only have to do the lumpectomy and partial radiation, they can knock out that radiation in FIVE DAYS!!! They would just put a catheter (ew) in the tiddy and I'd have to go TWICE a day, but for only five days. Then zip zap zoom... done! So IF that's the case (and it's obviously the one we're hoping for... best case scenario...) then we could be in and out and done with everything within a two-week span of time!!!! WOW!!! AWESOME! Ponytail stays put. No biggie at all and it almost seems like it never even happened!

Now, IF they happen to find cancer elsewhere then things will become a little more tricky... like perhaps a full mastectomy (or even double...), but we'll wait and see on that. For now I'm going to hold out hope that it's gonna be super quick to knock it out of the park!! :) 

Oh but the "surprise" was they will also treat me (to prevent a recurrence) with hormone squashing therapy... a pill I'll have to take for 10 years with side effects similar to menopausal symptoms. Joy. But hey, as long as I don't gain back 20 pounds or get a thick ass mustache I'll be okay with that! 

So to review... MRI tomorrow (John's coming with me... he's gotta drive the getaway car since mama's gonna be popping a Xanax) and then waiting for genetic test results and then we'll make surgical/treatment decisions from there. 

Let's hope for the best and that I don't "light up like a Christmas tree" (for all you Fault in Our Stars fans) tomorrow. Ha. 

"PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE"

Raise your hand if you ever got sent to the principal's office in school. I did. Just once. And it was for a minor incident. I'd skipped school (NO, NOT STACY! NEVER!) and then wrote my own excuse note (WHAAAAT? NO! SHOCKER!) and forged my mother's signature (OMG! HORROR!), which wasn't easy, considering she has BEAUTIFUL classic Catholic School Girl handwriting, taught to her by the mean nuns that would whack your hand with a stick if you didn't cross your Ts just right. Anyway, they called me and my mom in because they wanted her to verify that it WAS indeed her signature. I was sweating like crazy, my knees were shaking and I thought I might barf. But then my mom did something miraculous. She picked up the letter, looked at it for a few seconds then gently laid it back on the desk and said, "Yes, that's my signature." And she got up and left. 

I asked her later WHY she let me off the hook and she told me that I'd done such a good job forging her signature that she was impressed and thought it should pass.............. but added, "IF YOU EVER TRY TO FORGE MY SIGNATURE AGAIN YOU ARE GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE!" 

So I have that feeling again... like I've been summoned to the Principal's office and I'm about to walk in, not knowing HOW BAD IT'S GONNA BE or if I'm going to be let off easy like I was last time. However this time it's not the Principal's Office, but the Breast Surgeon's Office. Stakes are a little bit higher (although I realize this one is still gonna seem like a cake walk compared to how I'm going to feel walking in to the oncologist's office later... but one step at a time). 

Will post about it when I get home tomorrow and have more information. Hope you're all okay coming here to read my daily dose of drivel because please understand I can't possibly update everyone individually! Except you Mom... I promise to always call you right away cause I feel like I still owe ya one for covering my ass that day. ;) Thanks.

"EENIE MEENIE MINEY MO"

     How does one even go about choosing a breast surgeon and oncologist? Really? Everyone you ask has a different opinion and reading reviews about them online is a little like reading Trip Advisor reviews... it can be a huge time suck and also seems like the only people who take the time to review are the cranky ones who had a bad experience and wanna bitch about it. It's like being in the cereal or tampon aisle at the grocery store... too many choices and it starts to get overwhelming. So let's start with this one... who seems to be the #1 choice of my radiologist...

     Y'all... is this gorgeous child REALLY a highly-qualified life-saving breast surgeon or a contestant on Master Chef Junior??? I don't mean that to sound disrespectful in the slightest... I'm sure she's smart as a whip and I'm sure scored WAY higher than I did on her SATs... but I look at her fresh face and wonder, do I want a crusty old codger who's been doing this gig for 32 years or do I pick a young whipper snapper who is still paying off student loans but is probably more up to date on the latest & greatest treatments and technology? It's a real toss up! But... I like her face. And her smile. She looks sweet. Maybe it'll be nice for me to help her start paying off her student loans. So I'm starting right here with her, Wednesday at 11. I'm going to be craning my neck to look behind her to make sure she's got a fancy diploma framed on the wall... that is if it's back from Michael's yet... cause my Mom pointed out that they can't frame it until the ink dries. LOL. And if I don't like her, I'll pull a Trump and say, "YOU'RE FIRED!" 

YAY... I have "good" cancer! 

     So on the Good/Bad scale, I guess I have good cancer! YEAHAW! I'll take that as a small victory!!!! My friend Polly wants to throw me a "Good Cancer Party." I think I'll take her up on that and maybe finally open this bottle of Cake Bread I've been hoarding! Initial diagnosis is Invasive Mammary Carcinoma, whatever the hell that means. HA. To me it's still all total mumbo jumbo and I've got a lot to learn... but so far, I'm VERY proud of myself because I STILL haven't Googled anything!! NADA! Zilch! John doesn't believe me but I told him he can check my Safari Browser History. ;) 

     I just need to hear everything from a real person. A flesh and blood-filled doctor, not a Wikipedia page. Hopefully a doctor with a soothing voice and great bedside manner. Like McDreamy. Or McSteamy (actually no cause I always hated his ridiculous mustache, so he's fired). OHHHHH or gosh my new fave, Dr. Riggs (Those DIMPLES OMG! That accent OMG!). Oh OR Dave Matthews could come sing the details to me! That would be soothing. Oh wait no, I know... ALICIA KEYS! YES! Bingo! I am so in love with her right now!! Super duper crushing on her and her whole vibe and demeanor and voice and seriously have you EVER seen anyone MORE GORGEOUS or natural?! I love her. She is perfection. But seriously... it's all good. I'll just have John hold my hand while mostly likely a lady doctor (I'm super duper good with that... we all know women are the smarter species!) informs me cause John reminds me a lot of McDreamy. Maybe even better cause he's actually real. I'm lucky. I live with that every day ladies!!! 

     Feels nice to have that phone call out of the way because it was one I was dreading... but now I can breathe easier! I went to boot camp this morning and had an amazing workout then all my friends circled around and put their sweaty hands on me while my wonderful friend Tanya said a long heart-felt prayer and there was hardly a dry eye in the house afterwards. HA HA. I feel very loved and grateful! Nothing like a little run in with cancer to remind you how many kick ass friends you have!!!! I'm one of the lucky ones! GOOD CANCER! YAY! 

"I WORRY"

     Those of you who know me know I'm a worrier by nature. Always have been. Here's proof in the form of a short creative writing piece I did when I was 9 years old. 

     I am pleased to say my father never had to go to war, my house hasn't caught on fire, I didn't flunk school (although that's a bit of a shocker considering my apparent spelling skillz), the sun hasn't  snuffed out and I haven't lost a limb or been bit in the face by a snake... so I think I'm doin pretty good!
     So while I wait for a phone call today to get more pathology results, you might be wondering, am I worried now? About this whole cancer thing? Sure. But probably NOT about this things you'd THINK I might be worried about... like dying (nope, no part of me feels like I've been handed a death sentence. In fact, the radiologist said that the way things are these days, breast cancer is more of "just a 3 - 6 month inconvenience than anything." Okay cool. I'm down with that.) Nah, I'm worried about this "inconvenience" getting in the way of my gym time and losing the first six pack I've ever had in my life. I'm worried about them telling me to lay off the sauce (ha!). I'm worried about this interfering with our plans to go to Amsterdam in June. I'm worried about who will sweep the dog hair out of the house twice a day if I feel too shitty to do it. But in all seriousness... yeah, I'll admit, at this point, I'm just mostly worried about wondering what all they're about to do to my body and what I'm going to have to endure. I know every story is different. Who knows if there will be surgery or radiation or chemo or reconstruction. I don't know. And I HATE not knowing. I've already received messages (all well-meaning, I know!!) from people saying they'd come hold my hair back while I puked or saying how cute I'd look with a really short hair do or asking how big of boobs I'll get if I get new ones... WOW... nope... haven't gone there yet people! HA HA. Right now, while I wait, I'm just going to continue to run and go to boot camp and enjoy every day I feel great (I went for a run yesterday and felt amazing and the whole time kept thinking, "I don't FEEL sick and I sure as hell don't LOOK like a sick person") and am going to hope that MY story gets to be one of the "easy" ones, like my friend whose sister found her breast cancer so early that it was Stage 0 and required no surgery or chemo or new boobs.
     The good news is, despite me being a worrier, I'm also definitely a Glass Half Full kind of girl and those of you who know my life story know that I don't stay down long. I'm like one of those inflatable toy punching bags you had as a kid that sometimes had a creepy clown painted on it and you'd punch it but it would pop right back up, still smiling. That's me. We got this.

"TIDDIES"

 I'm back!!!! HA HA HA. This is weird! I haven't blogged on here since, what, 2009!! Look how little Jasper was!! CRAZY! Anyway, I decided to go ahead and bring back the blog as a way to keep everyone who may give a rat's ass up to date as I start this new journey. Mostly though, I decided to do it here versus Facebook because every time I try to type "titties" in Facebook it autocorrects it to "kitties" and well, who has time for that!? Plus this way I won't be bombarding you with messages while you're trying to shop at Target, enjoy a pedicure, do some actual work or be tempted to check your phone in the school zone or whatever. You can decide when to read them... or not. :) 

Speaking of "titties"... this is a text conversation I had with Kathryn Wednesday when I was in the waiting room, about to go in for my biopsy. I keep going back to it because it still makes me laugh and makes me so damned happy to have this crazy, precious, hilarious girl for a daughter. Sorry guys... she's all mine and yeah, when it comes to Kathryn, you know I get super greedy... cause I just can't get enough of her! I'm so glad she got the perfect mix of her Dad's good sense of humor, my inappropriate sense of humor (so yeah, about that, if you're easily offended, please kindly exit to your left...) and of course, my astonishing good looks. 

(Kathryn's in gray, I'm blue...)

First Harvest

Jasper got to pick his first ripe tomatoes today. We've been waiting for this day for a long time. But we did it! We actually GREW FOOD! 

How exciting is that?!

It's so exciting, that I completely forgot to take pictures of the ripe tomatoes ON the vine before he picked them. Darnit. Oh well... there are about 50 more green ones on the plant, so I'll have my chance. 

Jasper was excited that there were four tomatoes... "one for each person in the family" he said. Um, I guess that means I'll be eating one later today in our "First Harvest Family Tomato Eating Ceremony." 

Uh oh. 

I do not like tomatoes. In fact, tomatoes make me want to vomit. 

I think I know why. When I was a kid, we'd go visit my grandparents at their lake house in Oklahoma. We'd swim. We'd burn. And then, we'd get the dreaded Tomato Treatment. The tomato treatment is just what it sounds like... Nanny or Papa would cut up a tomato and rub it ALL OVER YOUR pathetic burned little body. 

I am not sure if this home remedy really worked or not. I suppose it did, because let me tell you, once you were covered in sticky stinky tomato juice, you completely forgot all about your sunburn... but that's only because now you just felt so miserable to be covered in tomatoes. And have you ever seen mosquitoes in Oklahoma? They're big. And guess what? They apparently like tomatoes, very much, if you get my drift. 

So perhaps whenever I smell a fresh tomato, it takes me right back to that whiny, sunburned child who did NOT want to be slathered up in the vile juices... ugh. 

Today, however, I will try to turn a new leaf, for my son's sake. I will smile and I will eat the tomato, and I will NOT hurl... 

I would sure LIKE to be able to like tomatoes. I will try. And I'll let you know how it goes. :) 

Air-Conditioning, Fever and a Transport Ferry

That pretty much wraps up our day yesterday. It was mellow. It was hot and the air-conditioners ran all day. Summer is already feeling long... ha ha ha. 

Jasper and I were diligently working on his Lego transport ferry when he first spiked his fever. He got up to 103 at one point and so just felt kinda punk all day. But the highlight of the day, for both of us, was finally completing his ferry. 

I tell you what, Santa obviously thought pretty highly of this kid, to get him this item (#1 on his Christmas wish list). He must've felt confident that Jasper would have the patience and gumption to actually make it happen. We're talking 1,279 pieces of a totally complicated piece of machinery, complete with gears and chains and dozens of working parts. You're really supposed to be at least 12 years old to be able to do this... but my brilliant 8-year-old son made it look like a piece of cake. He did not disappoint. I'm sure Santa would be proud. 

I was his assistant. I would hunt down pieces to each phase and lay them out while he followed the ridiculously detailed instructions and made magic happen. What we started over my morning coffee, we ended over my evening glass of wine. 

It's not easy for me anymore to sit cross-legged on the floor for hours upon hours. In fact, it hurts. A lot. I had to take a union break every half hour or so to stretch my old muscles... but I truly enjoyed the quiet time, with my focused, determined son, while he worked and created. We'd chat some, but not a lot. He's not afraid of comfortable silences. We get along nicely. And he agreed that we make a great team.

He's feeling better today. I'm glad. He's my hero. 

Why?

Alright, I know most of you have told me you come here to read my blog because you love how positive I am and how happy I am with my life and because it makes you feel good to read my ramblings... and yes, I *am* still happy and all of that, but this morning I just feel I have to get something off my chest. I apologize for it, but sometimes I just get consumed by the sadness and if I just try to purge it, perhaps I can shake off the funk and continue on today as my happy self, living out my incredibly blessed, damned-near-perfect life in selfish blissful oblivion. (Gee, can you tell I'm being eaten away at the core by guilt??)

I have a heavy heart this morning. I feel like I've been hit in the face with a brick. 

Yesterday, at one point, I remember mentally lamenting that I wish I looked better in a bathing suit, cause my new friends all seem to have the cutest little bodies, and I was also bummed that my hydrangeas haven't produced more mopheads because I really want to cut some and bring them inside, but then there won't be any left in the garden, and I am annoyed because my dog is shedding like crazy and so I have to sweep several times a day... Hmmm. Okay, that's it. THAT is how AMAZINGLY GREAT my life is. Those were the ONLY things I could think of to even remotely complain about for the day. 

But while I'm over here living this damned-near-perfect life, I just found out that one of my friend's mothers died after suffering many years with Alzheimer's. My friend has now lost both parents in the past few months. And my other friend is currently on a humanitarian trip in the Dominican Republic, taking photographs of naked babies sleeping in the streets and little children playing in the village dump. Another friend just told us that he's leaving his wife because she's an alcoholic who refuses to change her ways. And yet another, an old family friend, is battling breast cancer. 

Friends all around us are suffering. They're losing jobs and losing homes and their marriages are crumbling. It is so incredibly sad. 

My cousin's husband played "Blackbird" on his guitar Sunday at a funeral for an 8-month-old boy who could not win his battle against disease. 

I follow blogs of several women who bare their souls and their stories of infertility and of losing children. I know many mothers coping with children with special needs.

And in the news, just today, more details about the horrific fire at a daycare in Mexico that killed at least 38 children and about how the parents tried to ram their cars into the side of the building to free the children. 

And then, of course, there's the Air France crash that is still being investigated. That's another 228 victims... and that means thousands of people mourning for them, wondering if the bodies will ever be found. 

There are people shooting each other at schools and resorts and in the on-going war. People are committing suicide and beating their children. 

I recently watched "Slumdog Millionaire" and saw the hideous things done to children in other countries... the abuse and slavery and prostitution and torture of these innocent souls. 

It's really just too much to handle. 

It makes me incredibly sad and sick to my stomach. It makes me want to get up off this couch and DO something about it. But it also makes me feel helpless, like the problems are so much bigger than I am, and so the magnitude of it all just paralyzes me and I have no earthly idea where I'd even start. 

And all the while, while all this heartache and trauma and tragedy is swirling around me, I sit here in my office and daydream of Ireland and castles and pubs and a cold Guinness with my adorable husband. I daydream about my son winning his first baseball championship trophy tonight and I gaze at my daughter and think about how gorgeous she looks with her fresh tan and glistening golden hair. I think about how nice the air-conditioning feels on this hot summer day and wonder what I should fix myself for lunch.

Is it fair? No. It is not fair. 

Is it okay for me to still bask in the glow of my own personal life? And how do I do that without feeling guilty? 

What can I do to help? Where do I even start? 

I am completely open to any and all suggestions. 

If you've made it this far in this post, thank you for listening.